Making a Come Back

So it's 2:02am and I'm sitting in my hall thinking what the hell happened to me.

My cat Sammy is lazing at the corner hoping to be invisible enough to not be kicked out.

Arif's asleep upstairs but not before setting Tortue up.

I'm writing in short sentences because I truly am quite lost.. and I'm sick of it. I've been reading my old blogs on Beyond Cut Off and thinking, where the hell did that courageous girl, full of spirit and life disappear to? And I know she's still in me somewhere.. just suppressed. And of late it's getting pretty crowded inside so she's fighting to be free again.

So what did happen?

Today is 8.10.2012. In 2 days I would be married for two years to my soul mate. We had a little celebration dinner last night and got into talking what we have achieved in our two years. Quite a fair bit. On my end, I've completely retired from employment and became a full time network marketeer. I've helped many friends become healthier, younger, more energetic and able to fit clothes they couldn't for years! With their success, I've helped their friends achieve the same thing as well. In less than a year, I was recognised as one of the higher pin titles in the business.

So things are going great, right?

Well, yeah. But something was missing.

Something's been missing for months now.. I just haven't figured out why till our celebration dinner. It was bugging me for months but it came out so naturally from Arif. He had noticed it but had never voiced it out, hoping that I would notice it myself. He said very simply "Your drive got murdered.".

And it's true.

Somewhere during that two years, I have allowed my drive to die or be murdered as Arif plainly put it and in its place grew self doubt. I easily compromise, I see opportunities I reject in fear of rejection and I am timid to the extend that I no longer have the courage to voice out when I bloody well should.

I bottled this up well, but it is beginning to take a toll on me and my organisation. I am unable to effective lead people who trust me to the success that they deserve.

During the course of dinner, Arif set me straight. he told me, "Just do the 90-10 rule"

90% of the time, we can't control or change what has happened to us. Shit just happens. But we can use 10% of that to change the shitty outcome.

So that's why I'm doing this.

I'm gonna rediscover myself the best way I know how.

On my bike.

With a little faith, and a lot of courage, I'm going to rebuild myself.. one pedal at a time.

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Senn is pledging a journey to rediscover herself starting 6am on 8th October 2012. Friends are most welcome to join her journey through this blog.